I was happy, today was the D-day, the day I had been waiting for, for almost two weeks I had pictured everything I was going to do, every-thing I was gonna say, and how the meeting was gonna be like.
I was finally gonna meet the girl I have been speaking to all this while, we chatted every other day, we talked on phone, we had been talking on phone for a while; we had been talking on phone for almost 3months now, and it was finally time to meet her, I thanked my stars she was single, that no sharp face-book guy wooed her before I did, I felt like a guru, I felt on top of the world, I felt happy and for once I felt lucky. I practically knew everything about her, and I felt I was in love. Her phone voice was as sexy as hell, the voice made me want to repent, the kind of voices you only heard on the radio, the kind of voices used to host night shows because they made you sleep peacefully. I felt I had found the one, she was perfect, she was everything I wanted and the most important thing, we were in love.
I already scanned through her face-book pictures, and I found out she was heavily endowed, she was tall, not too dark, flat tummy and she was damn sexy. I was taking a nap when She buzzed me that she was close-by, I sharply got-up, brushed ma teeth, washed my face and combed my afro, wore my best t-shirt , used a little roll-on, put just the right amount of perfume, and I dint forget to pick the card I got her with the inscription; will you be mine? I had written the best love note ever for the babe I was falling for, I ran downstairs as fast as my legs could carry me, the sun was blazing hot, but I didn’t mind anyway, I opened and stood in-front of my gate, with the best pose I could come up with, I waited patiently, my heart was beating, I was anxious to see her, but this sun was something else, o well I could stand it, @least today I was gonna be happy spending time with this wonderful, endowed babe. my mind started drifting towards things we might do, how I was gonna hold her close to my heart finally, but I brought myself under control, she buzzed mi again that she was almost @ my crib, I was so happy. Finally a bike with a lady stopped in-front of my house, I tried cleaning my eyes because I thought I wasn’t seeing well, I wanted to believe she wasn’t the one waving @ me from the bike, WT Flip is this! I thought to myself, I did not even wave back,
When she got down from the bike, I wasn’t impressed, infact I was depressed, she was the shortest and ugliest girl I had ever seen, she was as black as hell, her dressing was sad, her hair wasn’t even long, my hair was longer than hers, and her hair was something between brown and yellow but the most painful part was that the figure I saw on her face-book wall was nowhere to be found, she was as flat as hell, jeez to be honest I couldn’t even be seen with this kind of girl. I weighed my options, I could either man-up and go meet her and live with the shame forever, or I could lock my gate and go back to bed, obviously I chose the latter, there were too many pretty girls in this world for me to end up with this, without blinking I locked my gate, infact I chained the gate join and murmured to myself; screw love! Screw face-book babes! And screw photo-shop. No wonder the foolish babe was in love; abeg I no love again, my own love isn’t blind” apparently I wasn’t lucky.
I threw the card in the trash can, switched off my hand-set and went back to sleep, drifting into my own perfect world, where all girls were pretty. Well I slept joyously from that hot afternoon till 8pm sweating, even thou my A.c was on, Hian the heat in this Nigeria can kill some-one I thought to myself, I remembered the events of the day and laughed, I got up to get a bottle of water from the freezer, I was gulping cold water feeling refreshed when I heard something moving in my kitchen, I felt it was a rat coz the rats in my house and I had been battling for supremacy for a very long time, I had already taken down 10 of them that week, plus I was the only one home so it had to be them seeking revenge, the noise was getting louder, it was annoying, I picked up my slipper ready to catch the rat unawares and red-handed, then slam it to death. I tiptoed into the kitchen feeling like James bond and flicked on the light. This was one of the few moments in my life I was ever scared, I managed to blurt out; WT Flip! WTF! WT Flip! Is happening here, I started sweating profusely, my heart started skipping tediously, and I dropped the slipper in fear. Standing with a pot in front of my gas-cooker was my….. Face-book love; she looked back at me with a smile and said to me in her sexy-phone voice “DINNER IS READY HONEY… the voice I once found sexy made a large lump of spit gather in my throat, I swallowed the large lump of spit that had gathered in my throat, I was having goose pimples so large they seemed like boils, I could feel my sweat dripping on the floor, I could hear the clock in the sitting-room going; Tick-Tock-,Tick-Tock.
I thought to myself; HIAN MOGBE, Honey bawo? Which yeye dinner? Did I forget to lock the gate? No lock was an understatement, I chained it…..my mind was racing and I felt the air go chilly, I came back to reality and there she was, standing right in-front of me with that icy smile and a plate of rice, and at that critical moment Nepa decided to take light; kaii-freaking bastards: just my luck I thought, just my luck. Tears of fear gathered in my eyes when I realized what was happening and I murmured to myself; WT Flip… I AM SCREWED