HEADLESS-CHICKEN

So after datblackboy challenged and said I couldn’t make his story better … I looked at him and with a straight face said #challenge accepted bro, it’s on… so just read and lemmie know whose story is beta, mine is obviously longer, I love long stories-if u know ur tired or cannot read long stories just save the page and come later, coz this one is kainna long…..Sentiments allowed….the link to his story is under mine
So here is my beta version…

KWA-KWA …..KU-KURUKWU……….. These were the sounds I was trynna muffle out as I used my pillow to cover my ears….. I had been going through this trauma for a few weeks now, I just realized that I couldn’t stand it anymore and I was gonna commit MURDER very soon….before you start judging me lemmie explain my dilemma.
You see my neighbor had a poultry, I wasn’t bothered about his poultry per say, I was cool with it, I wasn’t bothered about the smell of poo.. He sorted me with a few crates of eggs every now and then, so I was OBVIOUSLY cool WITH IT.……

What pissed me off though one black massive evil looking chicken In particular…

This thing or chicken or wizard self was a thorn in my flesh, it was the bone in my tea… it was horrible.. I still think someone sent it to find me…I mean this chicken would leave the poultry and its large compound and come poo in my balcony!!!! I mean who does that… that wasn’t even what got to me… no I don’t get angry that fast, but any time I spread out my laundry, that chicken was there, messing up my cloth with poo, watery poo for that matter that wasn’t still what got to me… what got to me was that by 1am-about 3am when sane chickens were asleep this chicken in particular would be at my balcony…and the sounds I would hear all night were….. KWA-KWA or KU-KURUKWU.
I had taken sane steps; I woke up most nights to chase it with broom, packer, spoon, knife, Table, what did I not use? I chased it and it came back five minutes later, this chicken was evil, it was probably a monster goat dressed as a chicken!!!!!
I couldn’t sleep most nights, and the annoying part was that it was a smart chicken…..agrghhhhhh, IT WAS frustrating….. I complained to the owner, he locked it up but it still found a way to my balcony,i even upped my efforts, I laced a slice of bread with poison and set it on my balcony and the evil chicken actually pooed on the bread without eating it!!!!
Wow, this chicken was ruining my life, I had started sleeping in my office nowadays and I had concluded in my minds of mind that this particular chicken was evil and I swear I was gonna kill it…..
My plan was very simple, I was gonna wait for it ,catch it then BEHEAD the evil thing or I was gonna scale my neighbor’s fence with my cutlass and STILL behead the evil thing……
so it was a day before my girlfriends birthday, and I wanted to do something special for her, so I planned taking her to olumo-rock for mountain climbing(don’t ask) see a movie the day before her birth-day and for the grand finale at my place on her birth-day itself where I was gonna cook for her, give her a very nice birth-day cake (and other allied matters)…. 4 my mind I romantic yh
I woke up late the next morning and I remembered I had a date with my girlfriend later in the day and I wasn’t ready….so I hurriedly dressed up and decided to rush to pick up her cake first…
I was about rushing out when I heard noises in the kitchen, I decided to go check and to my utter amazement I found this my enemy chicken in my kitchen!!!!!! It had upgraded its skills because it had never entered my house before, probably God answered my prayers and wanted me to be the one to kill this chicken, but it Pierced through the half bag of rice on the floor and eaten the grains to its satisfaction! The worst part of it was that it even pooed watery poo on the remaining rice, and dug the rice with its claw and mixing it wella thereby making it unusable…… this chicken was obviously telling me it was on…..and it wasn’t scared of me, the chicken wasn’t even fazed when I got in!! It just stood on my gas-cooker looking at me! I locked my door and after a little struggle and some feathers here and there, I caught the bagger and tied its feathers to its LEGS before leaving the house, I was gonna kill this devil, for bonus I was gonna eat it as well #double blessing…I was thinking about it as I went to sharply pick my girlfriends cake, came back home and dropped it in my sitting room and I went to pick my girlfriend…..
After the outing with my girlfriend, we came back home for the grand finale and when WE got home, we were amazed, my mouth was literally left open for a minute before I recovered… my house was in TURMOIL!!!! I found chicken feathers every-where; the smell of poo was killing! Right I my sitting room, I looked at the cake I bought for my girlfriend, The cake that was once cream had a black substance at the middle, it was chicken poo!!!! She saw it and angrily said; what is this??? I couldn’t say a word, I was too shocked and angry to speak, she got angry and went home….
In RAGE I said to myself; Okay this is it, that chicken has to die and I was gonna make it a painful death

I tiptoed through the watery chicken poo on the floor and the grains of rice scattered everywhere and grabbed the chicken… and simply picked a knife, I shook my head when I looked at the knife and I dropped it… I picked the chicken and went into my room to pick up my MACE…. I wasn’t even gonna eat the chicken again, i was gonna make it suffer.

#in-case you are wondering what a MACE is,-
Mace (club), a weapon with a heavy head on a solid shaft used to bludgeon opponents -according to wikipedia #dont say i never taught you stuff..

mace.jpg
#and yes i do have that somewhere in my house- you have been warned….

I tied two of the wings and the legs of the chicken in a way it wouldn’t move- almost put a stone on it self!!!!!…with a large smile, I aimed and was about to smash the miserable chicken to pieces.. When I heard.. “Bros Bros”. ¯\(͡๏̯͡๏)/¯ … I looked around.. Who said that? My hair rising* I didn’t see anyone.. Then I heard; Mumu look down joor… I looked and the chicken was talking… I staggered and looked down in awe… The chicken said: kaw kaw- ur scared now abi?…. Its gud now, that’s how karma catches up with people!! You sef sabi say u don shit for church abi??? You think I dint pray for protection from my enemies’ too??

Me: Still trynna catch my breath and understand what in the actual hell was happening
Chicken: ooh na because I no follow you talk since morning abi.. I bin dey look you ni.. I bin think say u go respect yourself na.. Buh as e com be like say na that white toilet I shit un top dei vex you so… I say make I free.. Make I see we-tin you go do

Me: O_O ; WT Flip is happening here?

Chicken: Egbon calm down joor….you think if they leave us in this room now to fight, you think you will survive… as u foolishly wicked and heartless reach u com go carry a that large weapon!! What kainna weapon is that anyway? Are u a demon? Even a goat is killed with a knife!!!!!!!
Me: *drops Mace in utter amazement* this was definitely not happening

Chicken: u see you are shameless? When I heard humans talk, I didn’t look half as pitiful as you do right now… And you have the guts to call me a chicken…

Me: I turned around as to make it for the nearest fence, it was about 3steps away, but it seemed like a journey to the end of the world @tm…..

Chicken: *Noticing my awkward movements* says bros no tell me sai u wan fly fence????

Me: *Screaming* Help Me o…. Ahhhhh mummy #yes I did scream mummy, and without shame sef*… neighbours, help me o… *running towards the fence*

As if it wasn’t enough trauma, the chicken started chasing me going kwakwa kwa” … I dropped all atom of pride, and screamed for help, with three steps of experience gotten from fear probabaly, i scaled my fence, I Got outside and saw some of my street boys standing and gisting.. I ran past them screaming *it is coming.. It is coming*… Now these boys didn’t even bother stopping me to ask what was coming.. They started running too screaming.
The whole street was in dissaray until the opc dudez in the area ran coming to help with their various Dane guns, charms and other weird looking weapons.
One of them stopped and asked me what was coming.. After gasping and catching my breath. I replied “Devil chicken”…i could see their faces change in disbelief Like I said something wrong or like they were looking @ a mad man…
Err *the chicken o the chicken o.. I exclaimed*.. They were all shocked! I could sense the utter disbelief from the look on their faces….like dude why are you running from a chicken.. Well who cares.. I know what I saw.. After much ado and explanation, they all decided to go in and check for the chicken.. After rigorous searching.. They all came back looked at me.. Shook their heads and left… Ahan trouble o… The chicken was right there in my backyard HEADLESS… I started thinking rigorously; how come? What was happening? Any- way I thanked the men, saw them off and shamefully went into my house…..when i got into the house i went to the backyard to look 4 searched every-where I dint see the chicken-wow somthing i just saw now, now i was beginin to get bothered, I got into the room and instead saw the chicken standing on my bed!!!!!!! WT Flip? I said in fear and confusion, I mumbled a prayer just as the chicken dived towards me!!!!!! My legs started wobbling, I tried passing out but nothing happened, my eyes stayed wide open as it was about to hit me, but just as it hit me…… I woke up sweating profusely #and it was just a dream#…

I picked up my phone and checked the time and date… it was 12am and it was 2days before my girlfriends birth-day….i am definitely NOT killing that evil chicken; I thought to myself…… just then I heard a sound that made me burst down in tears, tears because of TRAUMA and of realization that I would have to endure this torment a while longer, the sound I would have to live with for a better part of my life…….KWAKWA-KWA—I flung my phone and covered my ears with my pillow in anger, crying,mumbling and cursing all my ENEMIES as I tried to sleep…
cock.JPG

And here z d link to the original- http://datblackboy.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/headless-chicken/

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

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