My- I.G -Crush

Yeah yeah, U know we have gone Beyond the point where I have to make up excuses about why I haven’t written n all…. So I will just save us all d trauma *I was lazy but I still remain awesome.
So moving on…..

This particular day was expected to be just another uneventful Sunday,  meaning I was going about my business and not looking for any kind of trouble in particular
So on this Sunday, I decided to go drop my brother in school,  I mean good brother and all that I happen to be* it was also an excuse to stab church yunno (o-. ) don’t judge me*

Anyways on the day before that I made plans with my ride or die hommie to come along with us,  so I didn’t have to go through the remarkably boring journey back on my own

So I hurriedly buzzed my hommie cos we were getting late already but the sleepy voice at the other end of the line told me all I needed to know…

Dude I screamed into my phone,  were we not supposed to head out today??
Huuh,  is it Sunday already she asked?

Agggh I so hate you right now you plan flopping,  back-stabbing,  lazy assed individual…. Who sleeps like this? 

Oh please shut up you man-whore, I love you too she replied,  will you wait for me? 

Pfft waiters, so u can use 3hrs in dressing up?  No thank you,  I will buzz u when I get back joor I said as I cut of the call

Anyways we headed out and i fumed and plotted my revenge against my supposed ride or die sly hommie…..

I was just starting to get better when we met this insane traffic…. Arrrgh why me i wondered *maybe I should have just gone to church?

Anyways after some hours of professional and tactical maneuvering,  we finally managed to arrive at the school.

I was about zooming in when a security man flagged us down. I almost forgot about the normal stop and search for the lord knows what, I put off the engine as the dutiful citizen I happen to be and opened up the boot.

But instead he walked up to me and pointed a gun -like thing at me,  I heard a beep and it took me about a second to figure out what’ was going on.

In case I forgot to mention it,  Ebola is on the loose and everybody is being a little cautious..

Well I murmured for the man to get on with it cos I was sure as hell I didn’t have Ebola…

But when he looked at the readings from the thermometer, what he said made me flinch a little

Ehhhn  arrrrghhh,  Oga this your temperature is very high o…

WT freak is this man saying?

He went over to my brother and equally screamed after checking his, Arrrrgg this Mans own is high too o….

You see no one is really scared of dying till you think it’s up close. I already pictured myself in quarantine and living my days in isolation. And for a mini second,  I considered running away.

But then again I asked the man,  what’s my temperature? 

Ahh Oga this thing is high oo…
Dude what is the temperature I asked starting to get irritated…

But then he said,  Suleiman come and see this thing o, and another man who I guessed was Suleiman came over to look at the readings.

He let out a low-whistle as he saw the readings… Arrrgh its high o * maybe I should have just run away when I had the chance?

Starting to panic,  I asked in a shaky voice…  Dude would you tell me what my freaking temperature is?

Well umm Oga,  he said,  normal body temperature is 37degress and yours is ehn…

Arrrrgh what is it I said almost screaming… Yours is 38degress Oga,  same with your brother

At this moment I pictured myself collecting the machine from him and Jabbing it somewhere deep in his ignorant throat

Really?  38degrees?  Have you seen the sun you ignorant asswipe?

The fact that I wasn’t gonna die gave me the needed motivation to fight against this situation I considered harassment,  to cut the story short just picture the most horrendous scene I could have pulled off,  that’s exactly what happened….

Well I wasn’t allowed in but I zoomed off in mid -satisfaction  when I realized the crowd was getting larger, but not after my brother was let in…

I kept fuming and cursing on my way back,  and wondering why those weirdos weren’t properly informed. I was still cursing and maneuvering, I hadn’t even driven upto 10mins when I noticed steam coming out of the engine.* Lord why me?

I was barely able to get to the side of the road and luckily  was directed to a mechanic…
I headed up to him and told him what was up,  and without standing up
He said, Oga your money is 5thousand.

But you haven’t even gone to check,  I said in rage

Oga today is Sunday,  parts will be hard to find,  workmanship is 5thousand
Arrrrgh just come and check it I said, 
I have told you o, he said as he finally got off his lazy ass

He opened the bonnet and after checking a few things he said Oga u need to give Me transport 1300 and money to buy rotor 5000

Huh like seriously,  were you cursed with 5000? And are you traveling out of this state to get whatever you called ?
Anyways after a bit of argument here now there he finally headed out to get the parts.

After waiting for almost an hour,  I was bored silly so I decided to take a walk…. I had barely walked 2mins when I saw her.

Well her, Let me tell you who she was,  it was my crush,  my instagram crush.  Well we all have that girl we like but just unreachable even with your maddest game.

You see I happened to find her when I was bored silly and perusing instagram on my phone.

I saw her and I immediately got fascinated about the subtly tempting and aggravating look of passion she had in her eyes when going through her pictures…

I immediately followed her and after about 20mins she followed back *no I wasn’t counting

Anyways I made it a part of my daily routine to check out her daily uploads and religiously liked all her pictures and hoping for the day we eventually met* no I do not consider this stalking.

Unfortunately bumping into her under this blazing hot sun wasn’t my idea of good-luck,  she looked dashing in her bright yellow skirt and black short sleeve that left a bit of her fair smoothe skin visible for my eyes to devour.
You see,  she wasn’t a drop dead gorgeous babe but there was this thing about the way those cat eyes looked deep into the soul that sent a jolt down my spine.

I realized I was day-dreaming and snapped out of it, I stared at where I just saw her but she was no longer there.
I was trying to turn around to look for her when I bumped into someone..  She must have walked behind me when I was daydreaming.

I am really sorry I said half-stammering
I prayed she didn’t hear my heart beating and climbing toward my throat
It’s okay she replied, then a spark of recognition jumped into her eyes..  Hey I know you she said

Obviously now,  I am one of your monitoring spirits…  I was starting to reply when she said
Oh yes you are the dude that was making a scene back at that school

* Really?  It had to be there?
Anyways from there it was easy, because the scene happened to make a huge part of our convo.

After chilling a while she said she was headed home,  we exchanged numbers and I offered to see her off,  this day would have being spectacular If only I didn’t say I knew a short-cut.

The short-cut was an isolated street and I was planning on how to at least steal a kiss when some mean looking dudes appeared out of nowhere.

Oga see don’t even make noise one of the said as he showed me a knife, they all had knives though. 2 of you should just submit your things,  Asin as a brave man who didn’t wanna fall his hand in the prescense  of a girl,  I knew I had to think fast,  I ran towards the first one whom i considered the leader, he swung a fist at me and I dogged swiftly and sent him an uppercut that left his body shuddering as he went limp to the ground. I looked at the others with an intimidating look expecting trouble, but they all dropped their weapons and ran. *sigh  I still wanted to showcase my skills* my crush ran up into my hands praising my bravado and drenching me with kisses
* that’s how it played out in My head,  that’s how I planned it was gonna happen and this is what actually happened.

I started to protest but I received one massive slap like twaaaaack. You will never understand the gravity of this slap unless you have seen a military man slap someone before. It was like a steel door bashed my face. *I swear for some minutes my face felt numb and I couldn’t see shii as my ears kept ringing,  that kept me mellow.

But She wasnt even having any of it and I felt sorry for her that she was gonna get slapped. *brave girl I said to myself in admiration,  you go soon chop slap

But alas… Instead of slapping her,  the slap was allocated to me again…
Jeez I screamed out in pain…

If you don’t shut up and calm down we will keep slapping him,  one of the guys said Control your woman one of them said to me . I looked at her with watery eyes hoping that would deter her …but

See you will slap him till he dies o, I don’t even know him that well and I swear I am not dropping anything for you, she replied

I was still recovering from that one when I felt another twwwwackk, Honestly I think some of my beards fell off * omo this babe will make them kill me o…

At this point without shame I started begging her,  stop shouting now,  give them what they want so they will stop slapping me.

Ehn give them what?  Are you not a man?  You arnt even ashamed
Twaccck I received another * dear lord,  was I gonna die by slapping?

She wasn’t even remorseful as I kept receiving doses of slaps upon slap….

You are very lucky we don’t beat women, one of the guys said…

Let that girl go joor, Only broke babes behave like this, the one who happened to be their leader said.

Do you know that Without looking back, this evil she -monster raised her skirt,  removed her shoes and ran away with remarkable speed! leaving me to my fate   * it was on this day I realized,  it’s not until you fly before you are a witch….


Usain Bolt had nothing on this bae…

It got to a point where i didn’t have to be slapped any-more, all they had to do was say


Well after donating slaps from different angles,  I was dispossessed of my phone,  my wallet containing all my ATM cards and id. They even collected my shirt before telling me to go.

Honestly with the way I ran,  my legs could have touched my head that day….

I had barely gotten to the mechanics shop when all the pain started settling in,  massive headache n blurry vision due to watery eyes, if I ever saw that girl again she was gonna suffer.
I got to the mechanics shop just as I he was closing the bonnet,  He didn’t even look at me  twice when he said.

Oga I have finished,  your money na 5thousand….


If looks could kill……

All pictures were culled from google images.

6 thoughts on “My- I.G -Crush

  1. Lmao….you would have carried your sorry self to church instead. But on the bright side, you got to know that you had a crush on a winch,lol…Nice one!

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